part 2 by maddy schafer
Screeching wallpaper if I recall - definitely the kind of un-holiday I won't repeat. Thing is, I couldn't if I tried, because the responses which created the difficulty aren't there any more.
How did that happen? How did I create that kind of change? Read on.
To recap: I finished 2014 weary and ready for a break and didn't get one. Instead I recognised that my mother needed extra support over the holidays. I wanted to make the best of my time with her but found myself struggling and incapable of enjoying myself. Old triggers got pushed, things I'd been able to avoid by keeping my distance, but never knew what I was avoiding, or even that I was avoiding something.
Sliced open, this hidden abscess of unprocessed sorrow, even trauma, nothing to do except allow it to be, exactly as it was. To face the enormity of my feelings as they racked my body.
I'm not being dramatic... it's just what happened.
I think this is what we need to do with strong experiences. Allow them to be.
Cry, sob, breathe, speak, shout silently or out loud, even scream, as we move through the emotion. It is e-motion. Energy in motion.
And there's the key - motion. We're not taught how to navigate powerful emotions in Western society (probably in a many others too) so we get scared when they arise. Fearful they will sweep us away and we'll drown. And I have to say, I've not been through the darkest experiences in this life. I've known abuse but I've not been raped, mugged, deeply betrayed, beaten or tortured.
Maybe you think I've no right to say that. Fair enough. I've not been there. I know what I've seen, but I can't ever say I understand all the reasons why some move through and some get stuck because I don't. I'm just glad I managed to stay present to myself when I couldn't stop crying because the experience was so intense.
To tell myself 'it's OK maddy, it's just trauma, it will release and pass and just be with it, you're OK.'
Having or experiencing trauma doesn't mean you're broken and destined to remain that way. Only that like everyone else, in every moment of every day, you get to decide how you will respond to what's happening in your life, and how you will create yourself.
It's something a dear friend said to me the other day, and I've never seen it quite this way before, that life really is a level playing ground. No matter what we do or don't experience in our lives, we each of us face unique challenges, and in a strange and peculiar and inexplicable way, they are all just as hard and all just as glorious for each of us. No matter what they are!
Nobody has it harder or easier, despite appearances. I can't explain this... just to say... somehow, I know, for myself if for nobody else, it's true.
Gee did I get side-tracked? Kind of...
Main point - healing begins with Awareness. Being Present to yourself and your experience. You can't bypass this part of the process.
However overwhelming or insignificant, awareness of your experience is an invitation. An opportunity. To explore and inhabit your experience. To be curious, to notice, right in the middle of the zephyr or the raging storm...
* What am I really feeling? Angry? A niggle of fear? Resentful? Numb? Vague apprehension? Sorrow? Grief? Relief?
* Where am I feeling it? Exactly where in my body? Where in my energy?
* Who is having this feeling? Is it actually mine? (Dumb question, but not as dumb as it seems)
* How old does this feeling feel? Like I'm 3? Like I'm 23? 53? Not even in this lifetime?
* Does this feeling remind me of a place? Here? Somewhere else? Not even on earth?
So that's what I did, and as I explored my trauma I knew it was cellular memory, somehow locked up in my body from the early years of my life, perhaps from age 2 to age 9. How did I know? It just felt like that. I've gotten used to feelings having a distinct sense of placement in time, and if you pay attention to your body sensations (emotions included) you'll notice this yourself.
1. Tune into your body and notice any place that's just a bit tight or heavy or blocked or something. Don't go after something huge, now isn't the time. Pick something small and manageable. BTW sometimes 'small and manageable' can be larger and more interesting than it first appears...
2. Observe. Settle into noticing the sensation.
3. Let's assume the sensation is a resonance from 'some time'. Because it is... you may find it obviously relates to one particular time in your life (could even be yesterday, or an hour ago) or it may feel like something that evolved yonks back, or over a longer period.
4. Tune in. Listen, look, feel into the sensation. Ask yourself... if this sensation belongs in a particular time, or a particular time period, when is it?
Information about where a sensation belongs in time often comes to me visually. I hold the question in myself and see a number flip up in my mind's eye, and know it's an age. But I can also get a feeling of a 3 year old (or whatever age) laughing or crying or asking to communicate, or sense myself as a completely different person in a past or future life.
Just remove all limits and logic, and see what comes to you. Be curious. This is only you... you can only meet yourself here. Admittedly we can be pretty surprising sometimes!
This is how I get my information - tuning in, listening, feeling, looking, waiting for the answers to come, from myself, or from you if we're working together. The only difference between me and somebody who finds this hard is that I've practiced. And perhaps we have differently wired brains... BTW that's a great thing. Heaven help us if everyone was like me!
You'll get all this and more if you attentively listen and look and feel into your experience. (BTW this is what I help you do in a one on one session, ever so gently and carefully and completely.)
So I got clear about which part of me was having the feeling and when, and what the feelings were. There was no need to analyse what went wrong or if anyone was to blame. Vitally, in the midst of that powerful emotion I remained present to myself and allowed it to be.
Acceptance is the second step in healing. It's simple. Not necessarily easy.
One reason for this is we often pass judgement on ourselves for having 'negative' emotions.
I shouldn't feel like this...
I should have got over this by now...
Evolved light workers don't feel this much anger/sorrow/fear...
Newsflash - emotions are amoral. That is, they're neither good nor bad. They just are. They come, they go, and whether they're good or bad, they only become a problem when we hold onto them.
Everything passes, even happiness. So we learn to enjoy good feelings and let them go, knowing there is always more in the river, and all the different currents and colours have their value and place. And we stay present to challenging feelings, knowing, trusting, these too will pass.
"I give permission for energy and information and comfort and understanding and everything I ever needed and will need to flow from Source (that's me) to all of the past and future me's that carry this sorrow. I give all of these me's permission to find healing and peace, to release this sorrow so it can be transformed and dissolved. I no longer wish to keep this vibration in my energy matrix. I'm done with it. I let it go. I give permission for the whole thing to unwind and release and dissolve, and for healing and clarity to flow in its place."
You need to understand, I was speaking those words between sobs to the whole of time, and to the entire Universe. That's where I place my intention when I Create. Because I Am everyWhere and everyWhen. All of it. So if I'm creating change in MySelf, I must recognise and intend for All Of Me.
You too. This is how big You Are too. Play with it - don't get all serious on me!
You can grab the attention of the Universes with a word... just try it...
"Hey... Universes... I give permission for gentle and appropriate and perfectly purely potent love and healing to flow... to and from all of the many me's in all their wisdom and experience and struggles and weakness and knowing and Being and I-Am-ness - through the whole of time and throughout all of space... I give permission for MySelf to be All That I Am to myself and for that knowing and Being of Me to catalyse peace and healing... I give permission for those parts of myself I don't see or understand to create and manifest unimaginable perfection, invisible until it appears like the sunrise... thank you Me..."
See? They all sit up and listen. And line up to help.
This is the last step of healing. Adapting. Creating change.
Surprisingly it's the easiest part... because you are everything and you already have everything you need.
Awareness, that's the challenge. To really look, listen and feel into your experience and remain present, and Accept everything you find in neutrality. Because no matter how it looks, sounds or feels, nothing is broken and nothing needs to be fixed.
And then to Adapt - to know yourself powerful in and for yourself, as your deep presence with yourself allows you to hold and dissolve with Love the whole matrix of any unproductive experience through the whole of time and space, and choose how you now wish to Be - through the whole of time and space - instead.
Then to speak your new creation to yourself. Step into your fresh embodiment, which, if you really have transformed yourself through the whole of time and space, strangely feels like it's been this way for ever. Because... it has. Because that's how you created it just now.
I don't have everything sussed. I still have triggers - not as many as once upon a time - there are so many experiences in so many lifetimes to balance (never mind this one) and I realise now they are all a great interconnected web.
So if I am to heal a pain in one life, it is most efficient to heal the same pain in all, everywhere and everywhen it exists. It's no harder, in fact it's easier because it's a clean sweep, and when it's done, it was never there to begin with.
Just remember, you're there in every place in every instant, holding all your own answers, just waiting for your own permission to deliver them and decide how you will transform yourself, again.
PS: Would you like to be the Creator in your life? We're cooking up simple and enjoyable opportunities for you to do just this! If you're not already in our loop, we invite you to sign up so you're the first to know when they're ready.
Or invest in one of our one on one sessions where you can find the answers to your questions, as you meet YourSelf in the safety of the ensyth space.